Originally written ten years ago, I noticed this post has over 18,000 views in that time. That tells me the topic remains relevant and probably worthy a fresh exposure. In the decade since this was added to the blog, I have learned enough about the subject to add a few fresh thoughts.
We are familiar with this personality type: the cranky old man. He is a stock character in movies, cartoons, and TV shows. He seems to dislike everybody and everything.
Step on his lawn or get in his way at the store and you will know it. Make the mistake of asking him about the government or taxes and your ears will burn for a week.
British author Carol Wyer has a name for it: “irritable male syndrome." He is not living a very satisfying retirement.
While working on one of my books, a question was raised more than once that is worth thinking about. Here is how one contributor posed the question that gets to the heart of the issue:
Importantly, remember that this question was not asked by someone in his or her 20's or 30's. This came from someone in their late 50s and therefore I assume is a concern in his or her own life.
While working on one of my books, a question was raised more than once that is worth thinking about. Here is how one contributor posed the question that gets to the heart of the issue:
"Why it does it seem like so many “old” people become bitter and negative, and then you have those “rare” old people who are enthusiastic about life, stay positive, and keep fit.
Is that something the positive-minded person has to really work hard at? Did they make a deliberate decision to not complain about their aches and pains and to see the world as a beautiful place? Or is this how they were all their life?"
Importantly, remember that this question was not asked by someone in his or her 20's or 30's. This came from someone in their late 50s and therefore I assume is a concern in his or her own life.
Do we all end up inflexible and intolerant? Does the prospect of losing the ability to drive, or to stay in one's home cause most of us to put a scowl on our face?
I am sure there are all sorts of research studies and physiological reasons why this "grumpy old man" attitude strikes. Medical reasons may include a steady decline in testosterone levels that can produce this bad mood effect.
Let me speculate on some other possible triggers. Retirement can send many a man over the edge. Normally with fewer friends than women, men have little social interaction after work and can become isolated and depressed. Certainly, the loss of a spouse could turn someone into a genuinely unhappy person.
I am sure there are all sorts of research studies and physiological reasons why this "grumpy old man" attitude strikes. Medical reasons may include a steady decline in testosterone levels that can produce this bad mood effect.
Let me speculate on some other possible triggers. Retirement can send many a man over the edge. Normally with fewer friends than women, men have little social interaction after work and can become isolated and depressed. Certainly, the loss of a spouse could turn someone into a genuinely unhappy person.
The loss of physical or mental capabilities has the potential to leave us bitter. We may remember the "good old days" as a time when the government seemed to work more smoothly, young people were more respectful, and doctors made house calls.
Or, as the question implies, is the crankiness due more to attitude than reality? Are unhappy seniors just an older version of how they were when younger? Can people make a conscious effort to not fall into the complaint trap as they age? If there is a medical cause, will that person seek some help?
My personal opinion is the cause is a combination of factors. The declining levels of testosterone after 60 are real. The effects are well documented.
Or, as the question implies, is the crankiness due more to attitude than reality? Are unhappy seniors just an older version of how they were when younger? Can people make a conscious effort to not fall into the complaint trap as they age? If there is a medical cause, will that person seek some help?
My personal opinion is the cause is a combination of factors. The declining levels of testosterone after 60 are real. The effects are well documented.
Overall, health and relationship issues must contribute to the potential for a less-than-sunny mood. The awareness of one's own mortality can be a rude awakening for someone.
At the same time, I believe attitude can be a major factor in preventing a full slippage into grumpiness. I don't mean the type of "everything is great, the glass is always at least half full" attitude. Denying what is happening in your life isn't the answer.
Maybe acceptance is a better word. No one gets out of here alive. Virtually all of us will suffer from some of the unpleasant realities of the aging process.
At the same time, I believe attitude can be a major factor in preventing a full slippage into grumpiness. I don't mean the type of "everything is great, the glass is always at least half full" attitude. Denying what is happening in your life isn't the answer.
Maybe acceptance is a better word. No one gets out of here alive. Virtually all of us will suffer from some of the unpleasant realities of the aging process.
To be grumpy and rude really says that a person is too self-absorbed. We all have aches and pains, we all lose family and friends, we all face the loss of our ability to drive. To make everyone around you uncomfortable or unhappy is really saying, "It is all about me. My problems are worse than yours and that gives me the right to lash out."
Actually, it doesn't.
Actually, it doesn't.
As a fresh addition to the original post, frankly, I am experiencing less of the grumpy old person stereotype than I once did. Maybe it is simply where I live and when I interact with others, but the perpetually angry senior (either man or woman) is not someone I cross paths with. Considering the prevalence of guns in this country, I find that a good thing for many reasons!
With the economic turmoil of the last year or two, the pandemic damage to lives and plans, and the never-ending political clown show that plays on and on, I am surprised that we aren't all more grumpy.
Maybe we have simply lowered our expectations; we are used to a lifestyle that has become much more unpredictable and unsettled. Maybe more of us see life as a series of ups and downs. How we react, how we handle the bad times, and the good determine whether we turn sour.
Personally, as I have gotten older, I seemed to have found myself much more at peace. Situations that once sent me into a tizzy are more likely to be noticed and then released.
Maybe it is my use of meditation and a sense of the interconnectedness of all humans. Maybe I clearly grasp that time is too short to waste any of it stewing about something I can't control.
Being grumpy or not is more under our control than I once believed.
I often think those grumpy old people were grumpy young people. If the glass is always half empty and nothing is right, can they really change it? It is unlikely they want to.
ReplyDeleteIn many cases you are correct. A lifetime of being unhappy and unsatisfied won't change with age. That attitude becomes their default mood. Sad, isn't it.
DeleteThanks for mentioning the link between testosterone and grumpiness, I will definitely check this out
ReplyDeleteWomen experience a major change in body and mind during menapause due to a change in estrogen levels.
DeleteNot often mentioned but just as true, men's tetesterone levels drop as we age, creating changes that can affect body and mood.
Contrary to popular beliefs about grumpy old men and women research shows that most people grow happier as they get older. The study of more than 10,000 people in Britain and the United States was conducted by the University of Warwick about 10 years ago. The study suggests that this could be due to better coping abilities or it could also be due to a lowering of expectations from life, with older people less likely to put pressure on themselves in the personal and professional spheres. I can say that my own experience and those of my friends is they all seem to be happier in retirement than when they were working. I know I am.
ReplyDeleteAs you say Bob, sometimes the "grumpy old person" is fact has depression. I know from experience that those with clinical depression can very difficult indeed to get along with, everything seems to set them off. Why might they be depressed? I suppose all the reasons anyone might be but it also could be the loss of status that came with their job and in retirement they feel like a nobody or perhaps even more devastatingly the loss of a spouse, maybe they are just lonely. Of course some might just be difficult as a personality trait but if before retirement they were easy to get along with and now not so much it could be worth looking into.
Depression can be a serious problem that needs to be treated as such. Too many times it is written off as just a product of aging.
DeleteI have run into very few seriously grumpy older people since I retired 20+ years ago. While growing up that wasn't the case. Grumpy old men was not a sterotype, but real.
Thanks, David
Definitely depression is a factor. Women show it with moods and tears and men with silence and grumpiness. Mary
DeleteI would say that among the people my age I know (late 60s/70s), I would describe only one as grumpy or more accurately whiny and complain-y. That may come from self-absorbtion or a feeling of entitlement. For myself, my spirits rose as soon as I was able to stop working and have generally stayed up. There’s nothing better than being in control of your time again, IMO.
ReplyDeleteYes, I agree that our attitude is very much in our control, even though our circumstances might not be. I know two seniors I would describe as grumpy and bitter. It's so sad to see someone spend the last years of their life being so unhappy. And it seems to me that their identity gets so enmeshed with this attitude that they can't conceive of looking at things in any different way.
ReplyDeleteIt also is an abdication of your own authority because so much of the unhappiness is explained by judgments that are perceived as facts. Someone was complaining to me about another person's behavior, and described it as "really messed up and that's a FACT!" If we see our judgments as facts outside of our control, then we feel powerless to change our experience.
Great post -- lots to think about.
I hadn't thought about the misplaced use of the term "fact," but you are right. Of course, at the moment the whole concept of what is a fact is up for debate.
DeleteBetty and I will see you in a few weeks!
Good point about facts. Crowd size is a fact, for example. Can't wait to see y'all!
DeletePoor quality or lack of sleep is one the major causes of grumpiness or irritability. Just one night without rest can cause an irritable mood. I remember reading that a renown marriage therapist speculated that the divorce rate would drop a few percentage points if couples just got more sleep.
ReplyDeleteThat is an interesting observation. Sleep quality and quantity are vital, whatever our age, but as seniors we are less able to bounce back from a poor night.
DeleteI believe we are ALWAYS in control of our RESPONSES to life and to one another. So, when I meet up with grumpy people I take it that they are CHOOSING to be disagreeable . And I don’t really keep those kinds of people in my life. Life is too short to spend with complainers and whiners. I have had a lot of challenge with a sick family member the past 2 years and I worked MIGHTILY to keep my head above water, to attend art group and card playing group to keep exercising, to pray and meditate, to keep myself focused on better things..and on friendship and love.And it helped a lot .Now, my family is coming into a time of healing and I am so grateful. I had to DO A LOT to keep from letting a rough experience change my natural optimism and joy of living. We all have the same resources available to us.. nature,friendship,community, exercise, hobbies,prayer and faith, but we have to DO SOMETHING to get the ball rolling.GRUMPY OLD PEOPLE seem very content in their misery, to me..so hopefully they hang out together .. I avoid at all costs!
ReplyDeleteI am so happy to learn that your son is doing better. This has been a long road you, Ken, and he have travelled.
DeleteI had to spend time with perpetually unhappy, stressed out people for my job. Thst is now 22 years behind me. Like you, I make every effort to avoid spending time with grumpy people. I wish them well, but from a distance.
Since my grumpy grandparents died, I haven't really run into too many people I would describe as grumpy. As for my grandparents, they were miserably unhappy people as long as I knew them, so I'd have to say grumpiness is a life-long trait.
ReplyDeleteThat seems the general conclusion...once a grump, always a grump.
DeleteAs we age, we often come face to face with physical limitations and/or chronic pain issues. I would think that the former could become frustrating and lead to depression, and the latter might make it challenging to get through the day. Although I do believe that some people are simply born grumpy, I can see how either of these issues might alter anyone's attitude or personality.
ReplyDeleteI agree. A major change in how we can function can lead to some form of depression or desire for less socialization.
DeleteBut, I would suggest that is different from being grumpy. A person who is unplesant to be around simply due to attitude has issues to be sure.
But, that personality may not fall into the medical condition of depression. I believe It is more a function of a world view that is skewed to self.
It's no secret that pets can contribute to your happiness. Studies show that dogs reduce stress, anxiety and depression: ease loneliness; encourage exercise and improve your overall health. This link is a youtube video of a visit to Allendale Prison in SC which has a program where the inmates have an opportunity to care for cats & dogs from local shelters, which would otherwise have been euthanized. The inmates relate this program has saved their lives too. (https://youtu.be/xUb1I571BXo)
ReplyDeleteGood point, Jack. Pets have proven to have very positive health benefits for anyone, but especially seniors. They provide love, a structure to the day, and a responsibility for another living creature. Just petting a dog or cat has shown to lower one's blood pressure,
DeleteAs men age and testosterone decreases, men become more mellow, less fractious. But, as women age and their estrogen drops, women have lost their element that keeps them peaceful. This is what I learned in sociology and other classes in university.
ReplyDeleteIntetesting. That makes sense. So, men, for example lose some of their aggressiveness, but risk replacing it with some anti-social attitudes.
DeleteMy husband become grumpy and moody after retirement because of the many factors you mentioned. But also when he was younger and still working, he was a perfectionist type A personality and he was smart. I think this laid the groundwork for his future self. Work gave him an outlet, but retirement didn’t. He only lived to 68 and never had the time to see if he ever would mellow further into the future. I’ll never know. Mary
ReplyDeleteAnyone who doesn't have a decent sense of self outside of their work will struggle. It is as if you lose your self-identity and purpose.
DeleteI am sorry for your lose, Mary.
How about a link to your original post 10 yrs ago😊 Mary
ReplyDeleteBecause Google will not index the same post more than once, the original post was deleted so I could publish this one!
Delete