Grumpy Old People

 

Originally written ten years ago, I noticed this post has over 18,000 views in that time. That tells me the topic remains relevant and probably worthy a fresh exposure. In the decade since this was added to the blog, I have learned enough about the subject to add a few fresh thoughts.

We are familiar with this personality type: the cranky old man. He is a stock character in movies, cartoons, and TV shows.  He seems to dislike everybody and everything. 

Step on his lawn or get in his way at the store and you will know it. Make the mistake of asking him about the government or taxes and your ears will burn for a week.  

British author Carol Wyer has a name for it: “irritable male syndrome." He is not living a very satisfying retirement.

While working on one of my books, a question was raised more than once that is worth thinking about. Here is how one contributor posed the question that gets to the heart of the issue:



"Why it does it seem like so many “old” people become bitter and negative, and then you have those “rare” old people who are enthusiastic about life, stay positive, and keep fit.

 

Is that something the positive-minded person has to really work hard at? Did they make a deliberate decision to not complain about their aches and pains and to see the world as a beautiful place? Or is this how they were all their life?"

Importantly, remember that this question was not asked by someone in his or her 20's or 30's. This came from someone in their late 50s and therefore I assume is a concern in his or her own life. 

Do we all end up inflexible and intolerant?  Does the prospect of losing the ability to drive, or to stay in one's home cause most of us to put a scowl on our face?

I am sure there are all sorts of research studies and physiological reasons why this "grumpy old man" attitude strikes. Medical reasons may include a steady decline in testosterone levels that can produce this bad mood effect.

Let me speculate on some other possible triggers. Retirement can send many a man over the edge. Normally with fewer friends than women, men have little social interaction after work and can become isolated and depressed. Certainly, the loss of a spouse could turn someone into a genuinely unhappy person. 

The loss of physical or mental capabilities has the potential to leave us bitter. We may remember the "good old days" as a time when the government seemed to work more smoothly, young people were more respectful, and doctors made house calls.

Or, as the question implies, is the crankiness due more to attitude than reality? Are unhappy seniors just an older version of how they were when younger? Can people make a conscious effort to not fall into the complaint trap as they age? If there is a medical cause, will that person seek some help?

My personal opinion is the cause is a combination of factors. The declining levels of testosterone after 60 are real. The effects are well documented. 

Overall, health and relationship issues must contribute to the potential for a less-than-sunny mood. The awareness of one's own mortality can be a rude awakening for someone.

At the same time, I believe attitude can be a major factor in preventing a full slippage into grumpiness. I don't mean the type of "everything is great, the glass is always at least half full" attitude. Denying what is happening in your life isn't the answer.

Maybe acceptance is a better word. No one gets out of here alive. Virtually all of us will suffer from some of the unpleasant realities of the aging process. 

To be grumpy and rude really says that a person is too self-absorbed. We all have aches and pains, we all lose family and friends, we all face the loss of our ability to drive. To make everyone around you uncomfortable or unhappy is really saying, "It is all about me. My problems are worse than yours and that gives me the right to lash out."

Actually, it doesn't.

As a fresh addition to the original post, frankly, I am experiencing less of the grumpy old person stereotype than I once did. Maybe it is simply where I live and when I interact with others, but the perpetually angry senior (either man or woman) is not someone I cross paths with. Considering the prevalence of guns in this country, I find that a good thing for many reasons!

With the economic turmoil of the last year or two, the pandemic damage to lives and plans, and the never-ending political clown show that plays on and on, I am surprised that we aren't all more grumpy. 

Maybe we have simply lowered our expectations; we are used to a lifestyle that has become much more unpredictable and unsettled. Maybe more of us see life as a series of ups and downs. How we react, how we handle the bad times, and the good determine whether we turn sour.

Personally, as I have gotten older, I seemed to have found myself much more at peace. Situations that once sent me into a tizzy are more likely to be noticed and then released. 

Maybe it is my use of meditation and a sense of the interconnectedness of all humans. Maybe I clearly grasp that time is too short to waste any of it stewing about something I can't control.

Being grumpy or not is more under our control than I once believed.