Caregiving and Its Effect On a Family

When I asked for ideas for subjects you would like me to tackle, you offered enough to keep me busy for the rest of the year! I genuinely appreciate the input and will be attempting to address all of them.

Several comments asked for posts involving various aspects of managing family and couple relationships:

*How much support to provide for siblings or grown children?

*How do I deal with my aging parents who don't live nearby?

*What are my responsibilities regarding inheritances?

*How do I deal with a just-retired partner who insists on changing how things are handled at home?

How do I manage full-time care for a loved one while caring for my family? How do I find the proper balance?

What follows is a story I received almost twelve years ago from a woman with hands-on experience with the difficult task of managing full-time caregiving while also caring for her own family and preparing for retirement. Any one of those responsibilities would tax us; she took on all three at once. Her name is Sarah Jennings,' and this was her story. I will add some thoughts after she tells us what her life is like.

My husband and I have been caring for my parents in some capacity for almost ten years. When I look back on the past decade, my instincts are to mark the time in relation to those around me. For instance, at that time, our two sons have gone from adolescents to young adults, my father had died and my mother moved in with us.

Rarely do I think about the passage of time from my own perspective; I have been so focused on the maturation that my sons were undergoing, and that of my parents, that I sometimes lose sight of an inevitable and timeless truth.

I am aging, too.

This reality has crept in from time to time over the years, but it is quickly dismissed as there are too many other things to focus on. Does mother need to have her prescriptions picked up? How are the boys doing in college? What's for dinner tonight?

But recently, it has become increasingly difficult to ignore the unavoidable. As I approach 60, and my husband becomes eligible for social security benefits, I realize that I probably haven't been giving our own future enough consideration over the years.

My situation is all too common for caregivers who tend to their elderly parents, particularly those that are also in the midst of rearing their own children into adulthood. Over the years, I have devoured literature related to aging, scoured the Internet for tips and advice on managing a household that includes an older parent, and shared my knowledge and expertise on coping with the stress and difficulties of caregiving.

Yet, I've seldom devoted much thought and energy toward planning for my own future.

Upon reflection, I do feel very fortunate that this issue comes up for me in a positive light – my husband has been offered an early retirement package – as opposed to a devastating medical diagnosis or something of that nature.

But I do admit to feeling somewhat blindsided by the thoughts of having to deal with change in my husband's and my life. For so long, my concerns have been on helping my close loved ones adapt to the changes in their lives, that it makes me feel that I've become ill-prepared to deal with them in my own life.

In truth, we're in a better position than many others dealing with similar issues. For instance,· I'm fortunate to have a husband that is a bit more prudent with forethought than I am, so our retirement investments appear to be relatively secure.
We're also fortunate to not have to take a financial hit with the caregiving, as my parents were financially secure enough that they have been able to contribute to the costs of the care we provide.

I have a loving relationship with my mother and have (for the most part) been able to control the feelings of resentment that overcome many caregivers who choose to put their own lives on hold to care for aging loved ones. It took some time to learn how to effectively communicate with my mother, but once I did, it made a world of difference. And as I said before, my husband and I (as well as our two boys), have been fortunate to be healthy and happy as we progress toward the latter stages of our lives.

But just because our situation is more stable than some, it doesn't mean it isn't fraught with challenges and difficulties. I have to force myself to think of our future and ensure that my caregiving remains committed and loving, without turning into full-blown martyrdom. The truth is that my husband and I have always had ideas about what we would want to do with our lives once we were ready to retire. Initially, those plans did not include my 84-year-old mother.

I'm learning that I have to plan for all eventualities, even if those plans have to be scrapped by circumstances nobody could have reasonably foreseen. For instance, I've recently had a discussion with my mother about the possibility that at some point in the future (let's say five years from now), if she is still – God willing – with us, we may have to look into a senior living community. Maybe that will happen, or perhaps it won't, but we want to be as flexible in our retirement as possible.

I still have a lot of work to do mentally to get my mind around the idea that I am also getting older and will soon be dealing with the same issues my parents went through just 20 or so years ago. In the meantime, I'll continue to practice effective communication with my mother, husband, and children, so we can all be prepared to tackle whatever the future throws at us together.

This story has several elements that touch on some of the concerns that many of us face: aging, caregiving, dealing with our own concerns, and developing skills that benefit all. I was most impacted by her awareness that caring for her mother has, and will continue to have, a direct bearing on her family's present and future.  The sense of obligation toward her mom's needs is entirely understandable. 

Her awareness of how that one decision affects everything else is my key takeaway from her story.

For more, here is a link to an excellent resource on how to manage caregiving without putting you in financial difficulty.