Do you remember when you believed the story about a fat man, in a red suit, in a giant sleigh pulled by eight reindeer, sliding down your chimney on Christmas Eve to leave presents under the perfectly decorated tree? Do you remember not worrying that you had no chimney, that he would find another way? Or, when times were economically tight, but your letter to the North Pole would work magic anyway?
Then, can you still remember the shock when you were told that Santa wasn't real? That the idea of one guy leaving gifts for everyone all over the world just couldn't happen? That someone tried to explain that he was a metaphor for hope and dreams and childhood fantasies?
We have to deal with expectations and facts all our lives. The Santa - No Santa jolt was probably the first time you had to face facts that wishing doesn't necessarily make it so, but I am pretty sure it wasn't the last.
Your "friends" in High School suddenly dropped you from their clique for no discernable reason. Those straight-A grades ended with the reality that Chemistry wasn't your strong suit. Your first true love didn't love you back. Marriage isn't always like the movies. Being single is tough, but you actually kind of like the freedom, regardless of what your mother and friends say.
Your 20-year-old body did not follow you very far into the future. The calendar didn't care you weren't ready to become Middle Aged, and then almost overnight, a Senior.
The career you envisioned became a series of jobs; your various bosses never took a charm class or learned much about people skills. Your co-workers were just as likely to climb on your back as to offer you a helping hand. Being alive is a neverending course in having expectations tempered with reality.
Those who accept that and learn to adjust are the most satisfied. Knowing when to hold them and when to fold them was not only a lyric from a Kenny Rogers song but a rather straightforward guide for life. Striving for what you want is part of life. Continuously tilting against windmills is not.
I am confident in stating that most of us are doing the best we can. We take what we have been given, what we have learned, and what we want and try to mold all that into a life of significance.
At the same time, we have certain expectations of what our one and only life on earth should be, what we should accomplish, and how to be happy and feel complete. And when we fall short of our own measuring stick, as we will certainly do, there is a tendency to blame others, the world, or fate.
Isn't it more healthy, productive, and realistic to reflect on our Santa Claus experience? What we have expected will happen probably will not. What our dreams are will often face a world of humans and nature that aren't required to make all that happen.
Do we strive too hard to bend the world to match our dreams? Do we stubbornly plow ahead even after it is clear that the path leads to a cliff? Or do we take our strengths, understanding, experience, and native intelligence to build a life that is both satisfying and accepting of limitations and restrictions?
We all anticipate that life will turn out the way we had planned. So, do we put pressure on ourselves that we wouldn't put on someone else? Do we live in fear of a failure of something that is really just an expectation that runs into reality?
Overall, I have lived a happy, contented life. But, there have been instances when my plans and future were in some doubt. I will admit I fought against the unfairness of it all; this isn't what I signed up for.
Yet, as soon as I stopped insisting something would be the way I wanted and started reacting to how it was, the way forward began to fall into place. I shifted, reconfigured, and dumped stuff that was no longer worth carrying.
People tell us that life is hard, and I will agree it isn't always a walk in the park. But, I suggest we make it harder than necessary when we insist our way is THE way. The unexpected surprises that life can bring are so much brighter than the rocks in our path.
Wow! Some powerful words, Bob. I can see myself in much of this post.
ReplyDeleteThanks, RJ. That means a lot to me.
DeleteYES! I learned, in retrospect, that I tried waaaay tooooo looooooong and worked way too hard at improving some things (work life and personal). And I was so very surprised at the relief I felt at making BIG changes in my life. And for someone who plans and needs to know what is next, I didn't have anxiety over those major changes.
ReplyDeleteGreat article today!
Honestly, I am still way too attached to things like to-do lists and other measures of "success." Learning to let go is a lifelong pursuit, apparently.
DeleteLove it!
ReplyDeleteI think that shifting from "this is what I want" to "this is how it is" is a sign of maturation. And one only has to look around at family, friends and acquaintances to see how many have never gotten it. I think that understanding this concept is one of the most important life lessons to assimilate.
ReplyDeleteAssuming the "this is how it is" posture doesn't mean we stop dreaming and wishing. It does mean we don't let those dreams overpower our reality.
DeleteI was prompted to write this because of my unhealthy focus on the continuing political turmoil and (to me) insanity of various arguments.
ReplyDeleteTo focus on my life and what affects me and what I can affect is so much more productive than getting bent out of shape over my expectations in this arena.
I might as well go back to believing in Santa Claus if I expect everyone to wake up and change all that is nonsensical.
Yes...I think it is REALLY easy to almost be addicted to the triggers that challenge our expectations. Have you read "The Untethered Soul" by Michael Singer? Like I wrote about in my recent blog post it is really helping me let go of those things that trigger me. So easy for us to make ourselves crazy thinking others and the world have to be "fair" in order for us to be at peace. Isn't that like drinking poison and expecting someone else to die from it?
ReplyDeleteI have not read the Singer book, but just added it to my hold list at the library. Thanks for the strong recommendation. I find your book picks to be right on target.
ReplyDeleteWhat? There's no Santa Claus??!!
ReplyDeleteSorry!
DeleteI think the media has warped most of our expectations. You can see the perfect Christmas tables with the perfect meal and decorations in magazines and on TV. There are commercials that show how happy we will be in a certain place or if we buy a certain product. Retirement and money magazines show the fit older couple with huge smiles on their face at their beach house or retirement community and on and on. The smokers of old that saw all the Marlboro Man commercials were shown to expect an awesome life while smoking when a lot of those smokers reality was severe health problems and death. Most Christmas commercials, movies and magazines make us all expect a perfect Christmas when the reality is more like a Griswold Christmas with Christmas lights that don't work and Cousin Eddie showing up unexpected!
ReplyDeleteCommercials and many movies sell a fantasy, an aspiration, to be something we are not. Funny how too many pursue those dreams only to them disappointing or unnecessary.
DeleteIf given the chance, reality can be all we really need.
In my own life and in my observation of others I found that I/we often make life harder than it needs to be. False or exorbitant expectations create needless and unnecessary problems. In fact, some "problems" seemed so serious, but with some later maturity, I discovered that they were just manufactured by my arbitrary expectations clashing with reality. Reality always wins. That reminds me of what Jon Kabat Zinn said, "You make problem, you have problem." The brain loves big, juicy problems but now I know that I'm the CEO of that factory.
ReplyDeleteYes, many of us love to be the lead character in our own movie. It is easy to raise everyday struggles or inconveniences into some sort of epic battle, when the reality is not nearly that dramatic. It is just life with everything that implies.
DeleteYour post reminded me of this quote from one of Elizabeth George's books: “Expectations destroy our peace of mind. They are future disappointments, planned out in advance.”
ReplyDeleteLoved the post and the comments, especially Kathy's mentioning The Untethered Soul (great book!), and Mona's (made me laugh out loud).
Another strong vote for The Untethered Soul...I am on it.
DeleteLife is life. It will do what it will. We either learn to ride the wave, or we find ourselves washed onto a deserted island.
Wise words for all ages to remember. On a smaller scale, I am usually pleasantly surprised when I lower my expectations about something coming up and then - boom - it exceeds my expectations! Your comment "Your 20-year-old body did not follow you very far into the future" made me smile. So true.
ReplyDeleteSorry - I forgot to add my name to the above comment. Still learning the ropes. Sigh.
DeleteLowering expectations can come with the risk of settling for less than you need. But, overall I agree with your point: being plesantly surprised when something turns out better than you originally hoped for is a nice bonus.
DeleteTilting at windmills . . . I find that some of those windmills should be tilted at!
ReplyDeleteAnd knocked over!
Delete