This is one of the questions that blog readers ask most often. After finances, what to do all day, and where to live, what retirement does to relationships is top of mind for many of us. We realize there will be changes in how we interact with others. But, will they be for the better or aggravate problems that already exist? Thinking about this issue before you retire (and afterward!) can make a tremendous difference in how smoothly things go.
There are five major categories of relationships that are likely to be affected:
1. Primary relationship: Your marriage or committed partnership will probably undergo the most significant adjustment and become a real study in balance. Each of you wants to spend time together and each of you requires time apart. Just because a job has ended doesn't mean everything else that makes up a typical day is going to change. We each have certain routines and habits that bring us comfort and happiness.
Short and long-term goal setting is vital in a retirement relationship. Everything from financial adjustments to vacation choices, when to see the grandkids, and whether we should get a new dog require a decision. Both partners need to feel their opinion are being considered. Communication, always vital in a long-term relationship, becomes even more important when two people are sharing the same space 24 hours a day.
2. Adult children: One of the toughest suggestions is to accept the differences between you and your grown kids. Your adult child is not you. As he or she grows, life experiences will result in changes that you may not fully approve of. At this stage of the game, it isn't your job to approve. It's your responsibility to accept them.
I realize this isn't always easy. You want to save that child from harm, heartbreak, or disappointment. You feel the overwhelming need to share your life experiences.
3. Grandkids and other relatives: If you are lucky enough to have grandchildren and get to see them often enough to have a relationship, you will experience one of the greatest benefits of retirement: being part of their lives in a method that can change them and you in so many positive ways. To see your children have children is an amazing experience. To be able to participate in their lives is a joy that never ends. Frankly, to be able to say goodbye at the end of the day and leave the messy parts of child-rearing to others is also very nice!
Few things can sour a good relationship with your grown child, his or her spouse, and grandkids quicker than inserting yourself into how the children are being raised. Saying something meant to correct behavior you think is wrong rarely is a smart decision. Talking privately with your child with a suggestion that he or she is making a mistake in child-rearing will not go much better. "That's not how we raised you" are six words that never produce a positive outcome.
Of course, if there is some form of child abuse or serious neglect you must take steps to bring it to a halt. But, usually, the problem is simply one of differences: your child has chosen to raise his or her child without copying your parenting playbook. Accept it.
I urge you to respond to questions or pleas for help as you would any other adult, not your child. Do you talk with your adult child like you would a co-worker, or a friend? Or, do you talk at them? Unsolicited advice-giving or lecturing won't work on another adult. Why would you think it would work on your grown-up child?
3. Grandkids and other relatives: If you are lucky enough to have grandchildren and get to see them often enough to have a relationship, you will experience one of the greatest benefits of retirement: being part of their lives in a method that can change them and you in so many positive ways. To see your children have children is an amazing experience. To be able to participate in their lives is a joy that never ends. Frankly, to be able to say goodbye at the end of the day and leave the messy parts of child-rearing to others is also very nice!
Few things can sour a good relationship with your grown child, his or her spouse, and grandkids quicker than inserting yourself into how the children are being raised. Saying something meant to correct behavior you think is wrong rarely is a smart decision. Talking privately with your child with a suggestion that he or she is making a mistake in child-rearing will not go much better. "That's not how we raised you" are six words that never produce a positive outcome.
Of course, if there is some form of child abuse or serious neglect you must take steps to bring it to a halt. But, usually, the problem is simply one of differences: your child has chosen to raise his or her child without copying your parenting playbook. Accept it.
My youngest daughter is single and intends to stay that way. But, she absolutely relishes her ability to play "Favorite Aunt" to her nieces and nephews. It isn't necessary to have grandkids to be part of the younger people in your family. Maintaining a good relationship with a brother or sister, their significant other, and their offspring can enrich your life tremendously.
4. Work friends: The reality is simple: after a time, you will lose touch with most of the friends you had while working. As a retired person you will move in different circles than they will. Your use of time and schedule will reflect your needs and interests. Moving after retirement is a common occurrence. Without shared experiences at work, you will have much less to talk about. The water cooler gossip will no longer seem important in your new world.
The loss of a circle of friends with whom you shared your life every day is tough. It is very rare that many work friends will still be an important part of your life a few years after you leave work. As we age, we often find it harder to make new friends, but the effort must be made. I will admit adding new friends remains difficult for me. I find new relationships through church, and volunteering, but they are not deep friendships.
Honestly, supportive relationships will make a positive difference in producing a satisfying retirement. They are the building blocks to a happy future.
4. Work friends: The reality is simple: after a time, you will lose touch with most of the friends you had while working. As a retired person you will move in different circles than they will. Your use of time and schedule will reflect your needs and interests. Moving after retirement is a common occurrence. Without shared experiences at work, you will have much less to talk about. The water cooler gossip will no longer seem important in your new world.
The loss of a circle of friends with whom you shared your life every day is tough. It is very rare that many work friends will still be an important part of your life a few years after you leave work. As we age, we often find it harder to make new friends, but the effort must be made. I will admit adding new friends remains difficult for me. I find new relationships through church, and volunteering, but they are not deep friendships.
5. Social Friends: Surprisingly, what started out as just exchanging comments with some readers of this blog has produced several, real, in-person relationships where we have traveled with each other or visited them when Betty and I took an RV trip.
As a single woman, my youngest has a solid group of female friends she can depend on. Her work puts her in contact with dozens of co-workers both male and female. Betty and I know several widows who find strong ties to those in a similar situation through church groups.
Honestly, supportive relationships will make a positive difference in producing a satisfying retirement. They are the building blocks to a happy future.
All great points, Bob. The two that really resonate for me are the primary relationship and adult 'kids'. A couple navigating being together 24/7 was an adjustment, and Covid really put that scenario on steroids. It's so important to work out some together and apart time. As for adult kids, you nailed the bullseye. I didn't appreciate being told what to do as a young (or older!) adult, and it's clear our kids don't either. As for parenting advice, I stick with only offering it when asked and that has worked out so far. ;-)
ReplyDeleteIt is hard to bite your tongue when every instinct says to point out something to your adult child that your experiences tells you needs adjustment. But, to do so, rarely works out well. Your advice to offeri advice only when asked is the path Betty and i have taken (most of the time!) and has kept our relationships on track.
DeleteFor some reason I think my spouse and I might spend more time together than a lot of couples. We do all grocery shopping, errands and most doctor's appointments together. But he does go off two times a week to practice target shooting and then have lunch with the guys. It all works for us.
ReplyDeleteWe are pretty much like you in that we spend most of our time together. Except for a few board meetings and a volunteer shift at the library that I attend, and an occasional volunteer shift at church for Betty, our days are spent together. It helps that for the last dozen years of my working life I had my office at home. We learned how to occupy the same space well before retirement started.
DeleteOh man, I had to laugh about the adult children advice-giving. I am still learning this one. When I overstep, my daughter says, "I know you mean well, Mom, but that really isn't helpful." I never listened to my mom. Why do I think they will (or should) listen to me?!
ReplyDeleteYes, this is one of the toughest lessons to learn. We are trying to spare loved ones extra disappointment or frustration, but the end result is the opposite.
DeleteRetirement has enhanced my relationships across the board. I retired 10 years earlier than my wife. While she worked, I enjoyed being a house-husband, making up the bed, cooking, shopping, cleaning, and doing yard work. She loved that arrangement because it tripled her leisure time. I think I spoiled her. When she retired, we travelled together around the world to dozens of countries on five continents.
ReplyDeleteWe are snowbirds from Michigan, staying in Southern Florida for two months, January to March. We rent a one bedroom apartment at a charming inn across the street from a beautiful beach. We never expected that we would enjoy socializing so much. With other couples from cold climates, we go out to dinner, play pickleball, spend time chatting around the pool/hot tub, and laugh a lot. The big event is the annual Super Bowl party in the backyard, a wonderful opportunity to meet any new residents and sow seeds for new relationships. We actually spend more quality time with our "Florida Friends" than our friends back home. The reason is because snowbirds at the inn are so friendly, have plenty of downtime, and they reside just a few feet/yards from us. It is so easy to set up a dinner date. We stay in touch with them throughout the year and look forward to seeing them each winter. It is so cool having two sets of friends.
Retirement has also led to closer relationships with our children, grandchildren and in-laws. In other words, we can spend more quality time with them. Our focus is on play and rich experiences with our grown children, not giving advice unless it is asked for. We mind our own business, know when to keep our mouths shut, and overlook unimportant stuff. Tomorrow I will celebrate my 20th year being retired. Relationships have played a big part in me having a very rich, full, meaningful retirement.
Well, if your lifestyle after retirement doesn't encourage everyone reading to walk away from their job tomorrow, I'd be surprised! You have described the parts of retirement that makes it such a blessing. Betty and I started our 21st year two weeks ago and have never regretted a moment of it.
DeleteThe one difference between our experience and yours is the decision for a snowbird location 3 months of the year. We would do the reverse (gone in the summer) except we want to be a fulltime part of the grandkids' lives as they grow up. Once they all are in their teens or gone to college, we will feel much freer to spend time away from Phoenix in the summer months. That is only 3 years away.
Hi Doolin: Where, specifically, do you reside in those winter months, in Florida? My husband + I live in Rhode Island, but those months--January--> March--are certainly blah! Your snow-bird lives in Florida interested us!
ReplyDeleteWe made a terrible mistake by moving so far away from family. And now due to real estate being so expensive we cannot afford to move back. So we are stuck here in Arizona just the two of us. All our neighbors are snowbirds. So from April to January there is no-one here in our complex. Not a good situation for us to be in. Our kids cannot afford the trip out here. Things we never thought of but should have. We are trying to figure out what to do.
ReplyDeleteYou are not alone in moving away from family because of the lure of a different climate, only to find yourself cutoff from loved ones. Is there any chance of renting out your unit in Arizona for part of the year? Even though it is very hot, there are folks who want, or need, to spend their time here for all sorts of reasons.
DeleteAnother possibility would be to keep your place here and rent something for the summer months back home. RV parks often have what are called Park Models, which are small homes with all the normal amenities. Maybe subletting someone's apartment who is gone for a month or two on a business relocation or extended vacation would be possible.
The real estate market is not in the best place to think about selling and buying right now. So, maybe you can become a snowbird in reverse. Give the idea some thought. In a few years things might be more conducive for selling your Arizona place.
Thank you Bob for some good ideas. I appreciate all the help I can get!
DeleteWe winter as snowbirds in a temperate part of Mexico where it's about 75F year round. I know in the summer they also get "sunbirds" from Arizona, Florida and Texas so it's not as unusual as you might think.
DeleteMy biggest challenge is the "adult child" and not trying to give advice. Actually it's not a total problem as with out oldest daughter she lives her life and is self-sufficient so I let her get on with her life as she sees best. I don't agree with everything but it's her life, her family, her decisions. When our first grandchild came along I had to remind my wife "it's not your kid". "Would you tell the neighbours down the street how to raise their child?" She understood and it's never been a point of conflict.
ReplyDeleteBut the problem is with our youngest daughter (age 36) who not so self-sufficient and over the years has needed financial support for what at the time seems like good reasons and usually they are. Needing money for school (as an adult she attended community college night school for several years and eventually graduated), money for rent when a roommate suddenly moves out, money because she's missed time off work due to one short term illness or another, during Covid her place of work was closed for months so we paid her rent for quite a while, dental bills, phycological counselling, and so on. My guess is that since she's become an "adult" it's amounted to at least $100,000. Of course my wife and her mother is generous to a fault and tells her "if you need any money just let us know". With careful management we can afford it but I have to say that when our money is involved I want to know how it's being used and that does lead to conflict.
This daughter works in childcare as a qualified Early Childhood Educator, which she finds very rewarding, but it is a notoriously low paying field without benefits like paid sick days or prescription drug coverage. Several weeks ago I had a talk with her after yet another request for money after she missed a couple of weeks of work due to Covid, Like all the other times it is a good reason over which she had no control but I had to remind her that she is the adult now and we are pensioners.
We didn't give her the money that time but now she is a new mother (a single mom too) and we have another beautiful grandchild but of course my wife has ramped up the donations again as it's "for the baby". I am keeping quiet for the moment but I point out to my wife our daughter is the parent not us, we shouldn't be carrying the load, our daughter has to live with her decisions. My wife agrees but I get it, it's easy to say and hard to do. As I said above when it's our money then sooner or later I'll want to get involved and it usually doesn't go well. I know what the problem is but how to deal with it is the issue.
The situation you describe is one of the toughest that parents have to struggle with: when do you force the baby bird out of the nest? Betty and I can relate, though on a less serve level. One daughter is married to a man who makes a very good living. She has her own part time business and knows how to stick to a budget. Even after losing a home in San Diego to foreclosure due to circumstances beyond their control, they never asked for money and are doing well.
DeleteOur youngest daughter is in a low-paying field that is dependent on the economy's health. She went almost two years with no income due to Covid. shutting down her industry., Through unemployment, stimulus checks and a drastically reduced lifestyle she only needed a little help from us in the form of one outright gift and one loan that has been paid back. She is on track to have a very strong year, income-wise. She loves what she does for a living and is willing to put up with the ups and downs.
What would we do if either daughter got in serious financial trouble? Being honest, we would likely bail them out if it is not of their own doing.
Yes, I have made loans too (never once paid back).and of course many cash gifts over the years. I guess what is discouraging is that nothing seems to change, she is always just one step away from us needing to "help out" and it doesn't take much--a few days off work with a cold, a new prescription, a tooth breaks, a cell phone dies. Nothing that is specifically of her own doing but not entirely unexpected either, this is just life.
DeleteThe problem isn't so much that we need to help but rather my involvement giving her advice so it doesn't happen again. She resents it (what adult wouldn't) ignores my advice (her right to do so of course) and sometimes cuts off communication with us until the next time something happens. Wash, rinse, repeat.
For example she could get a job that has benefits but it's not as close by (and by not close by I mean it's 2 or 3 miles away--a short bus ride) or she doesn't want to take time off work for the interview, there's always a reason. From my perspective she's not doing what she needs to do to be self-sufficient and from my daughter's perspective, once the crisis has passed, everything is fine and I am interfering.
I guess the source of conflict is that I want to solve the problem and her view is that if everything is okay today then it's okay. I guess this is living for the moment, which sounds good and we all think we should do that, but it does have a downside.
I'm jumping in here uninvited, but I find this conversation fascinating and have to ask dDavidson. Does your older daughter resent you/and or your younger daughter for the money you have 'gifted' her? I ask because I had a younger brother who 'borrowed' thousands upon thousands of dollars from my mother and never paid it back. He was always in trouble, mostly due to poor choices and stubbornness. Anyone who offered advice was 'interfering.' To this day, it is a source of angst for me. Especially knowing that my mother couldn't afford it and spent too much time coddling him in hopes that he would become a better man. I understand a parent's love and, like you, would do anything for my child, but, at some point I think we become enablers or, we completely wreck our relationships by having 'strings attached'. Good luck to you and your wife. I feel your pain.
DeleteDear wise Bob, sorry for the segue into relationships and money. Maybe there is a future post in all of this for you to consider.
We watched my in-laws give up everything (her sister told me the entire 401k) to their daughter and her 3 sons. Hubster asked for a small loan twice in our early 20s and was told no both times. At 83, FIL still works full-time. We have no sympathy for them which sounds cold and cruel, but they made their choices while I picked up a ton of extra shifts to make the extra $ we needed to pay a semester's tuition AND repay a 4y note to my Dad in 3y (used as down payment for our first home). Working beyond 40h/week while going to school full-time is no fun!! And as a science major an hour of lab is 3h and a nursing school day is 8h for 1 credit, for those who don't know.
DeletePut yourself first folks. Will these kids take care of you in your elder years? Because that's what you're giving away.
Hi Suzanne, there doesn't seem to be any resentment from our older daughter though my older daughter went to university and i paid for it entirely enabling her to graduate without debt (that said I also paid for our younger daughter to go community college as an adult). Our older daughter is also married and I paid for a good chunk of the wedding too so it's not all one sided. In fact our younger daughter believes we favoured our older daughter which as I have outlined here is not the truth.
DeleteFor me it is really less about the money than it is about the results. It's not like our younger daughter is a sponging trouble maker, she's really very nice, she just lives in the present and is never prepared when the easily predicted but unexpected happens (so as I said it falls to me to pick up the pieces etc. etc.) Now she is a new single mother so I doubt it's going to be any easier going forward.
I hear you Dave, loud and clear. We have a bad-decision making 49 year old son, who, last year, quit his well paying construction job to start his own business. He had no reserves money and it was a financial disaster. We had to bail him out and so far he has been unable to pay back a nickel.
DeleteI asked him the day before Father's Day that, as a favor, would he please call his stepfather and wish him a happy Father's Day. He said he would. He didn't. I can't tell you how hurt and angry I am over that. I can not figure out how I managed to raise two such callous sons.
Sorry to hear that Anne. My main problem is dealing with the resentment when I help out and "interfere" with advice on what she should do to avoid whatever it is from happening again. As I said way back at the beginning, when my money is involved I want to know what's going on and why, which is not always appreciated.
DeletedDavidson, thanks for explaining that you have given equally to your daughters. That wasn't the case with my mother. Interesting though that the younger daughter thinks you've favored the older.
DeleteI wish there was an answer to your original concern, but I think most folks would agree that you are most likely setting yourself up for heartbreak to think that you have a right to advise your daughter because you are funding her. Maybe some tough love is in order. Thanks for answering my question and all the best to you.
Hi Suzanne, I did try the tough love thing many years ago but that doesn't always work as you expect either. As a teenager I gave her the "follow the house rules or leave" choice. I certainly didn't think my teenaged daughter would choose sleeping in homeless shelters and living out on the streets for the next several months but she did. She's always been good about accepting the consequences of her actions without complaint (I don't want to follow the house rules so I'll leave) but this was an incredibly dangerous step for her to take. She survived it without any major run-ins but tough love can turn out to be tougher than you imagine.
DeleteA few years later, in her early 20s, she got into credit card trouble and after one rescue I let her go bankrupt--yet more tough love I guess. As I described she still isn't good with money but she at least now stays away from credit cards with large credit limits.
I get what you are saying about my advice but I suppose my take is if she wants money from me then the price is the advice that comes with it and if you don't want the advice then don't ask for the money. It's either that or I just hand it over no questions asked, which doesn't seem right, but I also don't want to see her out on the streets again either. That said my recent reminder to her that she is the adult and parent now and we are in fact pensioners not parents may have had an impact. We'll have to see.
Overall she's not malicious about any of this, it's always just to get her over this or that hump. She is a sweet and caring person who works in childcare as an educator because she loves children which is hard to fault--it's not something you do for the money that's for sure. Mostly it's just poor or no planning on her part for life's bumps and she says she feels terrible about asking for money and I think that's true. I suppose we are like that T-shirt slogan "Your lack of planning is not my emergency" but for her and me it seems that it is.
I don’t always reply but I read all the comments. My situation is almost the same with two daughters the older one who has made good choices and is married with 2 children and is self sufficient. My younger daughter makes bad life choices and we have had to bail her out of some financial situations. Both had the same upbringing and college paid for with no debt. The younger daughter has 4 children now with her partner and the grandchildren change the dynamic. She lives in my rental house and does pay enough to cover the costs I have for mortgage and property taxes but I only change her 900.00 a month for a house that could rent for 3X that amount in the east Phoenix area. If she didn’t get that rent help the grandkids would not have the basic of life. I carry some guilt that I am enabling her but I can’t let the grandkids suffer. Being a parent is not for cowards and I didn’t think it would turn out this way. Your last statement above seems to says it best. It really is nice to know I am not alone in dealing with this and it helps to be able to cope somewhat. It’s hard to not feel like we failed at parenting somewhere along the way. Steve in Chandler AZ.
DeleteSteve in Chandler, I know what you mean about feeling like you failed at parenting but as another friend of mine in a similar situation with his two kids once said to me: "With one of them a success you at least you know it wasn't just you that did everything wrong". The point is that we all make mistakes raising our kids, as did our parents, but it's not all on you and I try to remind myself of that from time to time.
DeleteThanks for the follow up response. I will try to remind myself of that also time to time. It helps to see your comments in a somewhat similar situation. Steve in Chandler
DeleteI had a great team of guys at my work and when I left I thought I would return to have lunch more often. COVID hit and put a damper on that idea and the all of a sudden it's been 3 years. We got together a couple of weeks ago and it was nice. I keep in contact with two that retired a year before me and a year after. I need to work harder on finding some new retired friends!
ReplyDeleteWorking on my own for the last twenty years of my employed life meant no workplace friends. I had plenty of clients, but those relationships were business only and ended when the contracts did. Luckily, I am a loner by nature and am content with spouse and family.
DeleteAs Suzanne notes in a comment above, the issue of financial support for adult children has triggered quite a bit of reaction.
DeleteI love seeing this community of readers reacting with shared experiences and suggestions. More than simply reacting to something I wrote, we are directly sharing with each other.
And, yes, a post that focuses on finances and the responsibility of the adult cildren and the parents seems in order.
Great article. Thank you. The one relating to our adult children seems to have hit hardest for many. I enjoyed reading the comments as well. Thanks to all who shared their stories
ReplyDeleteFrankly, I am a little surprised that this one aspect generated such response. But, obviously it is an issue that hits home to many.
Delete