Adjusting To Time Together After Retirement

First posted three years ago, this continues to be an vital part of a satisfying retirement and is worth a re-post.

What is one of the most important questions about a satisfying retirement cannot be answered until it happens? "How will my home life change?" If you are the person leaving work, you are wondering about managing your time and staying busy. If you happen to be the person already at home you are wondering what is going to happen when your partner is around the house 24 hours a day.

Figures that specify the divorce rate among retired folks are a little hard to come by. But, for married people over 50, the divorce rate has more than doubled in the last 20 years. Some lawyers report up to 25% of their clients are men and women over 65. Certainly there are lots of reasons for a marriage to end. But, severe strain on a relationship can occur when at-home routines are disturbed by a newly retired spouse. Also, the reason for retiring can affect what happens at home. Being forced from work leaves a much different taste in one's mouth than voluntarily ending employment at a particular job.

Some of the problems that often arise when a newly-retired spouse is suddenly home full-time are well documented:

• The retiree has lost a major source of self-identity. Especially for men, so much of who we are is defined by our job. When that ends there is a shock to the ego and we can feel cut off from society. Men have to find a new way to define themselves outside of work or activities.
• When the blush of sleeping late wears off, there is the realization of diminished income. Suddenly, expenses that were not questioned can become points of argument.
• Seeing your spouse all day, everyday, can quickly wear thin if the partners do not have a healthy relationship. . After building parallel lifestyles for decades, their time is suddenly shared with just one other person. Folks discover they have little in common and very little to talk about.

Dr. Larry Anderson wrote a personal look at his impending retirement in the on-line magazine, IMPOWERAGE, and made a point that I discovered in doing some basic research for this post.:"there has been much less investigation of women’s retirement experience. It is reported that, as working couples age, men report greater marital satisfaction than women. Comparing men and women’s retirement is somewhat like comparing apples and oranges. For instance, women are more likely to work part time.  Women may have more interests outside of work and thus have less of an adjustment when retiring."

 I would speculate that younger generations will produce more meaningful data in this regard. As women continue to be a significant part (if not the majority) of the work force, there will be instances when the husband has retired and is at home, while his wife continues to remain employed. When she stops working, how will the dynamics change? 


The good news is there are definite actions that can be taken before things reach such a critical state. 

Communicate Openly. Communication both before and after retirement is essential. Guys are generally less likely to want to "talk," but in this case self-interest dictates that they do. It is important that couples discuss
their expectations for retirement from a personal perspective, such as interests, goals, even long range goals. In addition, discussions from the couple's point of view are just as critical. What activities will be shared, what goals are the same, even intimacy issues.

Setting Boundaries. We all have different needs for "alone" and "together" time. To ignore that reality is harmful to the relationship. There must be a balance between "separateness" (personal privacy, pursuing individual hobbies, spending time with friends) and "togetherness" (participating in joint activities and socializing as a couple).

Don't forget to discuss time spent with family and friends, both his and hers. Women tend to have a stronger social circle of female friends while guys don't. Men can get jealous if his wife is busy with friend activities while he sits at home.

Obviously, that is his problem to solve by making friends, taking on new activities, and building an interesting life outside the home. But, just because he is the one with the friend deficit doesn't mean both partners shouldn't discuss the issue.

 Prepare for the loss of how you have defined yourself. The end of work can lead to feelings of depression, or of being worthless. Couples need to recognize this can be a serious problem. Working together to help each other  feel a sense of fulfillment through other activities is important. This is where hobbies, interests outside the home, volunteering, or discovering a new passion become so important.

Designate household tasks. This is one of the biggies. Deciding the role of each partner in keeping a household functioning more important than many couples realize. A common source of conflict for retired couples involves the division of labor in the home. Will the division of chores that existed before retirement still work? Will the retired spouse be expected to divide tasks more equally? This needs to be discussed. Making assumptions can spell big trouble.

The number one complaint from women whose husbands have retired falls into this category. Assuming they operated with a "traditional" division of chores before retirement, the wife gets unhappy very quickly when suddenly she is expected to prepare three meals a day, plus do the shopping, laundry, and housecleaning like she did when he was gone 8 hours a day. Hubby is perceived to be expecting to waited on hand and foot as a just reward for working all those years.

That attitude will not fly. Younger men are much better at handling their fair share of the chores even before retirement. But, for some reason social expectations are that the female continues to be responsible for the "inside" stuff while the man will take care of maintenance and outside chores. The problem is obvious: there isn't nearly as much "outside" work on a daily basis. Plus, as we age we are more likely to hire someone to do repair and maintenance chores, so the husband's responsibilities disappear.

Not me, but you get the idea

Just for full disclosure, I have done my own laundry my entire married life. I plan and cook half the dinners each week. My wife and I rotate house cleaning chores every two weeks, as well as who empties the dishwasher and makes the bed. At least in this area, we never have disagreements. Guys...it is worth it.

A partnership only works if there is a sense of sharing, the good and the bad. That sharing becomes even more important after retirement. Take the time and make the effort. 

The Excitement of a Fresh Start

Our house has sold. It took 14 days to change the "For Sale" sign to one that says, "Sale Pending." While this was the goal it still took us by surprise: we had no place else to live and the new owner wants to be in our house by early May. The RV was beginning to look more and more like someplace we would be living for a period of time.

Not to worry. Two days later Betty and I found a home we immediately liked that is a mile from the grand kids and closer to our other daughter than where we live now. Of course, it broke two of the "rules'" we had established for the move: a smaller house and a smaller yard to care for. The new home is about 250 square feet bigger and the yard is almost exactly the size of the one we are leaving! 

Because it matched the two most important criteria of being closer to family and being one story instead of two, we promptly ignored the other two guidelines and signed a contract. We close and can move in just one or two days after the other sale is completed. So, making the RV home will probably only last for 3 or four days.

Now, the exciting part of all this kicks into high gear. I am calling moving companies, filling out reams of paperwork, making a list of all the things that have to be shut down, switched, and relocated. Betty has pulled dozens of boxes from our storage shed that helped each of our daughters move several times...now it is our turn!

We have to become familiar with a section of the city in which we have very little experience. Where is the closest library, the stores and restaurants we like, parks for Bailey to run and play? Where is the nearest hospital and good urgent care facility, who will be our doctors and dentists? Where do I get my haircut? Is there a good pet doctor nearby? 

Insurance, driver's license information, post office concerns?  It is about time to renew our passports. Is it safe to start using the new address before everything is signed? The list that comes with a move is long.

For the first time we will be living under the watchful eye of an HOA. Checking it out beforehand and looking at the area indicates they don't have much to worry about and aren't changing enough each month to be an irritant. We will see. I do know that my ham radio antennas are going to have to go into the attic instead of on the roof. That restricts what I can do a bit, but it is not a big deal.

What church will we attend and become part of its life? The new house is about 35 minutes from our present faith community which isn't too far to drive, but doesn't allow us to interact with our new neighbors and area. So, this is yet to be determined. We are close enough to an occasional Saturday gathering of friends and a pastor who lives and meets about 20 minutes away.

Betty has begun to develop all sorts of ideas for the new home: color schemes, where furniture can go, what we need and don't need to buy, where her long-delayed art studio might be placed, do we need a new shower, and should the bathtub in the guest bath be replaced?

I have stocked up on Rolaids. I know where the aspirin bottle is. Betty keeps me focused and grounded. 

Here we go...a great adventure during my year of "move."

It May Be Part of Life But I Am In No Rush To Welcome It

Within the past month I have experienced the sting of death several times. My dad passed away on March 7th. On March 17th Betty and I received a call that a 87 year old gentleman we had driven to church every month for the past year was near death. He passed away two days later. Then, on March 18th, a man who I had worked with in radio over 40 years ago lost his year long battle with leukemia. 

I know it is part of life and I know it is unpreventable and inevitable, but I don't have to welcome it. My faith promises me that my death will not be the end of me, but only a passage from a temporary stay here on earth to an eternal existence with God. I believe that to be true and it gives me comfort and peace. As someone once wrote, if I am wrong and there is no afterlife then I will be dead and won't know the difference. But, for now, I find that promise to give me a freedom to live a life that is full and rich.

All that aside, I am tired of the rather constant knock of death on my door the last few weeks. After we reach a certain age, health discussions and the demise and death of family, relatives, and friends becomes all too common. I participate in a weekly ham radio gathering of those who love music from the 60's. Recently it has become a litany of medical concerns, operations, and illness. Instead of being called the 60's Net, we are joking that maybe we should rename our group the Health Net (and not after the company of the same name). In fact, the fellow who operates as the moderator of the group lost his mother suddenly just last week after a severe stroke.

I have read that one of the signs of maturity is an acceptance of the role of death in our life and the lessening of death anxiety. It is the last stage we all go through when death cannot be denied. From a a psychological perspective that may be true, and I do understand that at some point I will no longer exist on earth. After all, death is the only certainty of life. 

But, acceptance? That is a tough one. I worry that acceptance means the person slips into a maintenance phase, doing little and risking less. It can mean the person begins to pull back so the pain to self and others is supposedly lessened, though I doubt that is true. But, I may very well be very wrong about the entire issue.

Andrew Kneier wrote a book, "Finding Your Way Through Cancer" on how cancer patients reacted to their impending death with rather consistent attitudes and experiences. They included, gratitude for the number of years the person had lived and for the positive life experiences they had enjoyed, a sense of pride in one's accomplishments or in the inner qualities the person had developed over the years, religious faith or spirituality, and loving and being loved.

I find those responses from people close to death to be immensely uplifting. They show me a new way to understand the state of acceptance. Death remains an uncomfortable thought.  It is not a subject we want to face very often. I have seen, firsthand in the last few weeks, the grief and tears it leaves in its wake.

But, death is out there and will not be denied. We cannot let the reality paralyze us or cause us to deny our humanity. By the way, my health is excellent, I will celebrate my 66th birthday in two months, and I hope to live as least as long as my 91 year old dad. 

Two thousand years ago Roman emperor, Marcus Aurelius, said, "It is not death that a man should fear, but he should fear never beginning to live."

Exactly.

Netflix's Business Model Explains A Lot

I imagine there are very few folks who haven't heard of Netflix. With over 54 million subscribers in 50 countries, it has established itself as the leader in streaming video services. Some could argue that it is largely responsible for the move away from cable TV in the home and into the world of on-demand video from companies like Amazon Prime and Hulu, as well as Netflix.

Personally, I am a huge fan of these choices. From paying over $100 a month for hundreds of cable channels that I rarely watched I now pay $17 a month for Netflix's unlimited streaming service and DVD mailed-to-my-home option. As an Amazon Prime member I pay around $100 annually for two day shipping and access to thousands of additional movies, TV shows, and original series.

It occurred to me that Netflix has done something that doesn't happen all that often: establish a new model of customer service in an industry that has been resistant to change for several decades. That raises the question, How have they done it? Are there any parallels to a satisfying retirement?

Recently I stumbled across a few articles that detail what Netflix has done to make them so powerful in a such a short period of time. While it is easy to blame cable companies for overcharging and providing miserable service, Netflix has brought more to the table than just obvious things like treating customers as something valuable, not as an irritant (airlines - are you listening?).

Their corporate culture is one that treats the employers like adults, meaning each is given respect and freedom to produce a quality product. Unlimited vacation time, elimination of unnecessary meetings and work reviews, superior pay rewards for superior performance, coupled with an expectation of working until a project is done, being inventive and creative, and "playing well with others" are key components of the Netflix approach. Also important is their attitude that long hours aren't required, only superior results for the company and its products.

The company has put together a a 124 slide presentation of its corporate culture and on what it places value. This Netflix "culture deck" has been viewed over 11 million times and is in partial use by a growing number of companies. Click here to take a look. It is well worth a few minutes of your time.

So, how does this relate to our retirement journey? Here are the nine behaviors that make up the core of the Netflix approach:

1. Judgment
2. Communication
3. Impact
4. Curiosity
5. Innovation
6. Courage
7. Passion
8. Honesty
9. Selflessness

I can't think of one of them that doesn't belong in the mix as part of a satisfying retirement. These behaviors govern our relationships, our approach to life, our ability to stay vibrant and engaged, and the way we strive to make our little corner of the world a better place.

Over the last few years Netflix has made some mistakes: a large price increase, and an attempt to split the streaming and mail service into two separate companies with two different names. After a large drop in customers and a loud outcry from the financial world coupled with a big drop in the price of their stock, they apologized and retreated from the worst parts of those decisions. They admitted their mistakes and moved on. Today, Netflix is as strong as ever and looking to expand into another 150 countries.

The takeaway lessons for us are simple: never stop growing, never stop experimenting and improving, admit mistakes to yourself and others, put failures behind you, and realize life is for the living.

My Word "Move" Becomes Literal

houses.com

One of the decisions that Betty and I have been struggling with over the past year involves moving...not just in the sense that "move" is the word I want to focus on for 2015, but literally moving to another house.

We have lived in the same area for thirty years. Our daughters went from kindergarten through college while living in three different houses, all within a few miles of each other. 

We have been in our current home for fourteen years. Just about half the size of the house we occupied when both girls were high school and college age, it has served us well. Betty has done her usual amazing job of taking an older, smaller house and turned it into our home. The backyard has been transformed from a huge space with nothing but grass into an inviting oasis, with outside dining areas, a fire pit, and enough shade and seats to make it everyone's favorite part of the property.

Our church and friends are close, our doctors within walking distance, and shopping and hospitals are 5-10 minute drives. A tremendous neighborhood park is a 12 minute walk. The highlight of Bailey's day is chasing gophers that scamper everywhere in the park.

Unfortunately, it is a two story house, which as our knees age will become a problem. At times we creak up and down the stairs now; I don't want to wait until one of us can't make the trip without several aspirins. The large yard is a joy, but more work than I am willing to continue to support too much farther into the future. Our daughters and grandkids live between 25 and 45 minutes away. The frequent drives to see them are becoming more of a trek than either Betty or I want.

So, after much agonizing, we have put the house on the market. It has been repainted. The title and grout have been cleaned and sealed. The cabinets have been scrubbed and stained. We generated enough trash and junk to partially fill a rather large junk truck. The insides have been cleaned so thoroughly that the cleaning people have little to do. The timing turned out to be not the best: the same day the house went on the market was the day my father died. But, we pulled ourselves together and told the real estate agent to proceed.

Spare moments, not spent watching our daughter's new puppy, are spent looking at house listings on the Internet and driving around town with our agent. There are a few areas we like that are much closer to our kids.

Because we don't have to move right now, we have set an aggressive schedule for this house to sell. If we don't have a firm contract by the end of next month, we will pull the house off the market until early fall. Our plans to be away this summer are so locked in that cancelling or changing them would become a tremendous nightmare. Having the house sell anytime after April 30th would not allow enough time for all that happens when a house is sold and another bought before we leave for the summer.

The best scenario is we sell quickly, find a new home we like, buy it, and have everything completed before mid June. If that happens our daughters and son-in-law have offered to unpack and set up our new home so when we get back in early September almost everything will be done. Since we have helped each of them move a half dozen times, this is the perfect payback.

If the house doesn't sell within our time frame, we have a very clean, nicely freshened home ready to re-list when the time is right. We will have no regrets about staying and second-guessing about trying. We will move, when the timing is right. 

Good Bye, Dad

I got the late night phone call all adult children know is coming some day, but you are still never prepared: My dad was found unresponsive in his room at his assisted living facility Saturday night. All efforts to revive him failed. He had died.

Eleven days after his 91st birthday, he went to join his wife who passed away in December of 2010. As was his style, his latest doctor checkup pronounced him in good shape with no obvious issues. When asked how he felt, the answer was always the same: "Fantastic!" 

By all rights, a man born in 1924, who rarely exercised, had a quintuple bypass in 2002, smoked for twenty years, and lost his beloved wife of 63 years over four years ago should not have been a part of my life for so long. But, good genes and a stubborn will prevailed until a few days ago.

He was a tremendous dad to three sons, a grandfather to seven, and great grandfather to four. He provided a steady, loving hand to everyone who was honored to know him.

And, now I am experiencing the same feeling my wife did quite awhile ago when both her parents passed: being an orphan. It feels very odd knowing there is no parent to talk to, share something with, or celebrate holidays together. While dad's short term memory was pretty much gone and his interest in carrying on a conversation was severely limited, he was still my father and still enjoyed my visits and our time together at lunch. 

His dedication to my mom and what makes a marriage last have been a guiding light for me for the nearly 39 years Betty and I have been together. He was a simple man, dedicated to family, being a steady hand in all situations, and always sending out positive vibes and support.

Dad, you will be sorely missed. I love you.

Finding the Ideal Retirement Community

The following is a guest post with a review of some information you may find helpful if you, or a relative, are thinking about moving to a retirement community.

 Finding the Ideal Retirement Community

Rewind back to the time you were searching for your first home. The hunt was exciting—oh, the possibilities! Then, before long, the search became aggravating. Then overwhelming.

Because when we look for a place to lay our heads, we’re looking at more than just the indoor space and style of the home. We’re looking at the neighborhood. We’re looking at our community. We’re looking at the services and amenities in the surrounding area. We’re looking at our neighbors – will we like them?

But as we age, our priorities change. We no longer need (or want) the 5-bed, 2.5-bath house and some land. More rooms mean more cleaning. And more land means more back-aching yard work. Yet, wherever we decide to go, we still want readily available the same services, amenities and friendly neighbors we had with our first homes. Often, our gazes shift to retirement communities.

And the search begins all over again.

With retirement communities, there’s a lot to consider. If you or a relative are beginning the search for a new home, the good news is that there are more retirement lifestyle options available today than ever before. That being said, it’s important to be well-informed, so here are a few key points to keep in mind.

Living La Vida Retirement

What would you choose to do with your spare time? Would you play golf, dine at high-end restaurants, attend plays and concerts, tinker in the garden, socialize with neighbors, read the classics, or paint?

We all want the same thing, and that’s a customizable lifestyle. It’s imperative for all thriving communities (retirement or not) to accommodate hobbies and activities – choices should be the cornerstone of any retirement community worth its salt.

Look for a retirement community that accommodates the lifestyle you want to lead – a place that includes the types of programs and amenities you enjoy now, as well as plan on enjoying in the future now that there is more free time.

Smart Thinking

Opportunities for lifelong learning are critical to maintaining independence as we age. It’s devastating for anyone to watch a spouse, friend, or relative decline into a form of dementia like Alzheimer’s – exercising the brain is just as important as working out the body. Physical exercise has been proven to maintain and even improve our memory by increasing the size of the hippocampus, the area of the brain involved in learning and memory (see study findings here).

The Rush Memory and Aging Project, conducted in 2012 with more than 1,200 elders participating, showed that increased cognitive activity in older adults slowed their decline in brain function and decreased their risk of mild cognitive impairment. The study showed that cognitively active seniors, whose average age was 80, were 2.6 times less likely to develop Alzheimer’s disease and dementia than seniors with less cognitive activity.

Thus we can see the overwhelming importance of finding a retirement community that encourages mental activity with dedicating programming and an overall active community lifestyle. Ensure you are in an environment that provides challenges to think critically and actively participate in the community.

Understanding a la Carte Amenities and Monthly Fees

Most retirement communities have some type of monthly fee associated with the overall cost of living. However, all of them tend to be distinctly different. There are retirement communities that rival the grandeur of the Masters PGA Tour, and other communities that resemble Hawaiian spa retreats with the robust amenities and facilities offered.

Whatever the amenities at the community, be sure to determine which of those are included in the monthly fee. Is that exercise class included or is it an additional charge? Then decide what is most attractive.  Make a list of amenities you value; then prioritize that list. Compare the must-haves with the nice-to-haves, and determine how many of each are included in the monthly fee.  Nobody likes hidden fees and additional charges.

Moving On Up

If this will be the last real estate search you hope to conduct, then choose a community that provides healthcare options as you age.

Many retirement communities start residents off in independent living with the option to transition to assisted living as their needs change. Options for increased care as they age are critical to finding a place that sticks.

So be sure to ask the following questions:

·       Are there medical specialists on staff and on site?

·       Are there daily services available for managing medications?

·       Are accommodations made for residents undergoing physical therapy?

·       Is programming available to mitigate or improve existing chronic conditions?

·       Will you have the option of transitioning into increased levels of care within the community?

If the answer to any of these questions is “No,” that retirement community may not be the best fit.

Talking Turkey

You wouldn't buy a home without a careful inspection. And you certainly wouldn't invest in real estate if there were liens on the property. So have that uncomfortable money conversation with the retirement community – and we’re not talking just about your own investment:

·       Ask to see their quarterly financial statements.

·       Inquire about your direct costs: entry fees, monthly fees and health care       services.

·       Find out whether the retirement community is a for-profit or a not-for-profit. Not-for-profit facilities reinvest profits and proceeds into the community to benefit residents. For-profits use those dollars to pay investors.

Happy Home Search!

You want your next chapter to be. So don’t compromise as you  search for the ideal retirement community.  

To summarize: Your best option will 1.) accommodate your lifestyle, 2.) offer lifelong learning opportunities, 3.) provide intellectual and exercise programming, 4.) allow you  to age in place, 5.) and, frankly, won’t break the bank.

Happy hunting!

The author, Rob Lucarelli, is the director of communications for Judson Services, Inc., a not-for-profit organization that has served older adults in Cleveland, Ohio since 1906.

Satisfying Retirement received no compensation for this article.

A New (Temporary) Member of Our Family

Meet Adler, or Adi for short, an adorable 13 week old cocker spaniel.

She is our youngest daughter's new "baby" and couldn't be cuter or more loving. Because of her "mommy's" schedule, Adi is spending enough time at our home to qualify as an almost full time member of our family, too. Our daughter has a job that causes her to travel 14-16 weeks a year. For most of that time we anticipate being a two-dog household.

So, how does Bailey feel about a new sister? So far she tolerates Adi, gives her plenty of space, and probably wonders what is so special about her that causes the humans in Bailey's life to seem to care so much. Over time, we trust the two will become buddies and share good times together.

Bailey way in the back, wondering who took her pillow!

keeping an eye on the new kid in town

Adding another puppy to our home does mean some adjustments for us. The baby gates are back in use, keeping Adi from trying to climb the stairs, or confined to the kitchen area when we need to run some errands. Piddle pads and carpet spray are always handy, though her potty training is progressing very well. Just like a baby, we have to be attuned to her signals that she needs a bathroom break. And, double water and food bowls must be maintained for both Bailey and Adi. 

A short RV trip that was scheduled for a week ago was cancelled since the puppy can't safely be around other dogs who may or may not be current on all their shots. Plus, having a dog that isn't completely housebroken inside a motorhome sounds rather messy! After 16 weeks, when Adi has had all her shots, she can join Bailey for romps in the park and RV trips around Arizona. 

In the meantime, Betty, Bailey, and I stick close to home. The weather is perfect for lots of time in the backyard, where Adi can safely play to her heart's content. 

Actually, our puppy sitting isn't that different from being grandparents: love and enjoy our time together, but know at some point she is off to her real home and Bailey is once again queen of the castle.

Welcome, Adler, to our family and our home.