Retirement's False Starts and Stops

A reader who offers suggestions for blog posts (which I love and encourage from anyone), dropped me a note some time ago to ask about the path to a satisfying retirement. She and her husband have been moving toward that goal for a few years now but something always derails their plans. One partner gets cold feet and decides that working longer would be good for their long term financial health. Or, the decision to retire brings the realization that no firm plan to fill all that free time exists so retirement is put off.

Another "false start" involves one partner going back to school in order to try a new career. But, soon comes the realization that studying and sitting in class for hours at a time doesn't mesh well with the desire to volunteer, go to church more often, travel, or spend time cooking. Retirement and starting a new, full time career can't work together.

So, she wonders how many almost-retirees make a few false starts on their plans as they get ready to leave their old lives. The short answer is, "Many." Like any stage of life we rarely proceed smoothly from step A to step B. Unexpected problems arise or life goals are adjusted. Just being alive means you are in a state of constant change.

With something as life-altering as retirement, having second or third thoughts is only natural. Trying to figure out how to use all that free time can be daunting. Trying to balance the desire to learn something new with the eagerness to spend time doing what you already know you love is not easy.

The last eighteen years of retirement have taught me to allow myself to change plans, direction, even lifestyle. In fact, come to think of it, I'm not sure there really is such a thing as a false start. Retirement starts when you are mentally, emotionally, and financially able to take that final step. Everything before that is just a test or a feeling out of various aspects of a life change.

So, for the person who wants to retire but can't quite cut his or her ties to work, then it is more likely you aren't quite ready. For the person who stops work and then realizes there are still motivations to have a job, whether full or part time, then there is no "failure" in satisfying that need.

For the person who is simply afraid of the unknown and needs encouragement to jump......do it. Jump in with both feet, knowing that retirement is simply a part of your life's journey that you  adjust, modify, or even revoke, as things change. Retirement is not an end, but really a new beginning.

False starts? Not really...just a different path.

Time Magazine's Person Of The Year

Jesus's mother was probably 13 when she gave birth. Joan of Arc started her battles against English oppressors at the age of 13. She was 19 when she was burned at the stake. A little less dramatic, Bobby Fischer was crowned as a chess Grandmaster at 15. Louis Braille developed a language for the blind when only 15 years old. At 18, Mary Shelley wrote Frankenstein, a literacy classic.

History has plenty of examples of young people, many not out of their teen years, having major impacts on history. I think sometimes age is an advantage; younger people aren't old enough to know they can't accomplish a task. So, they push forward and work miracles.

Last month Time Magazine named Greta Thunberg as their Person of The Year. She has earned her this honor for her ability to galvanize others in the battle to save our planet from the most horrific consequences of climate change. 

Her relentless calling out of her elders for being too timid, too worried about their pocketbooks, or unable to admit reality has inspired people of all ages, in all corners of the globe, to raise their voices in protest.

Last September I wrote a post that suggests young people may be our best hope for the future. Ms. Thunberg was the focus of that post after her blistering speech to the people most able to take serious action, but unwilling to do so.

Since that speech she has traveled to several meetings and conferences on both sides of the Atlantic. True to her value in doing as little harm as possible to the earth, she has not flown on these trips, even though doing so would save countless days. Instead, choosing the method that creates the least carbon damage, she has taken sailing ships, at least one with solar panels to power the equipment on board.

At home in Sweden, she has convinced her parents to stop air travel and give up meat. She has led strikes in front of the Swedish Parliament and at countless schools, all to force others to pay attention to what lies straight ahead of us.

Of course, some of the targets of her ire have struck back, figuring a 16 year old girl will probably wilt under their verbal assaults. Instead, she and the people she inspires seem to be getting stronger, more vocal, and more organized. One "leader" said she needed to work on her anger management problem. Considering the source, that's a rich one.

I am not going to conclude with a list of things you could so in this ultimate battle to protect our home. By now, you know the steps you can and should take to do what you can, no matter how small.

The Greta story reminds me of a John Lennon song from my student days, "Power To The People. " One person begins a dialogue, which becomes a discussion, which evolves into a large conversation, which develops into a movement, that has the potential to force change.

Whatever your feeling about her or even the issue she is so passionate about,  Ms. Thunberg has proven, once again, the power of a dedicated individual to force others to pay attention and decide what to do. 

And, I find that remarkably empowering and hopeful.

The Day of Silence: Did It Work?

Well, that was interesting. My day of silence has come and gone. On January 2nd, my wife and I agreed to try something neither of us had ever done before: a day without conversation, cell phones, texts, computers, television, or music. We would leave the house only to take our dog to the park (with no car radio playing!)

The first thing we learned was how easy it is to communicate without talking. Gestures, shrugs, hand motions, and pointing works nearly as well as speech. Occasionally, we had to write each other notes, but that wasn't against the spirit of the day, so no problem. 

Quiet is powerful. It has a force that we rarely experience anymore. When all the extraneous electronic chatter and noises that make up a normal day are eliminated, I swear I could hear my mind whirring. I know I could hear my breathing, steady and controlled, every few seconds, filling my ears with its rhythm. I don't know if this qualifies as meditating, but there was a definite separation from my normal way of living.

During one of my times on the back patio, sounds that are there all the time became part of my day. As I focused on what was breaking the stillness I heard birds trilling and calling each other, airplanes high up in the sky and smaller ones from a nearby municipal airport. Laughter from a few kids home on winter break, my neighbor coughing on his back porch, someone using an electric saw, the barking of small dogs inside a house somewhere nearby.

The ticking of a small clock on the patio, and tires screeching as a car took a corner too quickly. The leaves on the trees in the backyard were swaying gently in a mild breeze, making a subtle rustling noise until a delivery truck rumbled down the street in front of my house covering up the sound for a moment or two. Silence is never completely silent.

Betty and I pulled the portable fire pit from a side yard, threw in some newspaper, shredder waste paper, and a few scraps of wood. Lighting the pile, we quietly sat by the warmth, thinking our own thoughts. When the blaze died out, we nodded to each other, signalling our intention to go back into the house.

We managed to stick to our silent, unplugged plan very well. Betty did receive some texts that had to be answered. We agreed to watch one favorite TV show while eating dinner. Otherwise, the time passed with nothing but our thoughts, some books, and time in the backyard. While I shouldn't speak for her, I think Betty found the experiment worthwhile and, with a few modifications, one we'd like to repeat.

I found this both restful and energizing. Going a full day without checking the phone or blog, having no music to break the stillness or no television to distract made me much more aware of my surroundings and what happens while simply paying attention.  

At the same time, I filled a few pieces of paper with ideas for this blog, things I want to add and subtract from my daily schedule, and reinforcement of where my shifting spiritual search is leading. I finished two books. My thoughts started flowing, recharging my mental battery with positive energy. Time didn't seem to flow either more slowly or more quickly; I just wasn't really paying attention to a clock.

Will I (and Betty) have another day of silence? Did it make itself valuable enough to repeat? Yes, with a few modifications:

* Quiet instead of silence. We both felt there were times when we wanted to share thoughts and ideas. It would be a mistake to miss the chance to discuss something important just because talking is banned.

* Some structure to the day. In addition to normal breaks for meals, we felt the experience would be heightened by allowing us to do similar things at the same time. Especially with the ability to talk with each other, if we read, worked on our creative activities, and spent time outside while with each other, the chance to share something would be enhanced. We wouldn't find ourselves always in separate rooms, doing different things.

* Allow for "work" projects if we find that restorative. Betty likes to do things that require physical effort. Expending energy calms her and helps her manage some of the pain that are a part of her daily life. I could oil paint and still be quiet. Working, even on something that might be called a chore, should not detract from the experience.

* Plan on repeating once a month, but have the quiet day end at dinner time. Ten or eleven hours seems to be enough to decompress and establish a break in the normal routine of our days. We both enjoy watching favorite TV shows together in the evening and I will usually have a period of guitar practice. To prevent those things from happening makes the day seem almost punitive, rather than enjoyable.

So, was this time of silence and unplugging worth it? Absolutely. I think of it as a welcome detox from my normal routine and disconnection from the world, if even for just a day. 

The Power of Thirds

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Good novels, movies, even memorable music are divided into three parts: a strong beginning, middle, and conclusion. There is a "rule of thirds" in art, film-making, and photography that dictates powerful, cohesive composition. It's been said we all have three lives: our public life, our private life, and our secret life. The time after full time work is what some writers have called the third stage of life. Bad luck comes in threes. Christians believe the Resurrection happened on the third day.

There must be some significance to the power of thirds in life. 

Retirement follows this pattern: it is is a three act play. It has been quite awhile since I have written about the three stages of retirement, but after stumbling upon the importance of thirds in something I read not too long ago, it seemed appropriate to revisit this topic.

The First Stage of Retirement is a period of time that can last from a few months to a few years. Some call it the honeymoon phase, others just call it overdue! 
Time becomes a friend. Suddenly you have control of the clock. You determine how your day is to be structured. Of course, commitments to a spouse or other relationships don't stop. You still pay bills and take out the garbage. But, the blessing of a day and evening that lacks the rigidity of your former workday fills you with a real sense of freedom. 

Self discovery is a journey that begins anew. You learn things about yourself and spouse that you never knew while working 8 hours a day. We've all read about the adjustments that a spouse has to make when the husband or wife is suddenly "underfoot" 24/7. It is true, even if you worked from home for all or part of your career. Unless you are single, that other human being is not used to your charming presence all the time. If you approach the process as a positive, the personality traits, thoughts, and interests of the other person gives you a glorious chance to expand and grow yourself. 

Your "possibles" list has fewer restraints. Books you have wanted to read, trips you want to plan and take, projects around the house, changing a spare bedroom into hobby space, taking on something new that has always intrigued you, involvement in volunteer work, the chance to more fully develop your spiritual side if that is your thing,.....the list of "possibles" can be endless. Of course, limits are imposed by financial, family, or health issues. But, those boundaries are quite a bit farther apart when you are enjoying a satisfying retirement lifestyle.


The Second Stage of Retirement can feel like a slap in the face. As you make the transition into this new phase of retirement, there is a growing sense of unease, even panic. "What did I do? Am I crazy? I'll be broke in a year! What if I get really sick?" The reality of being without the safety net that a job provided suddenly strikes you. You are the Master and Commander of your fate and that is scary. What looked so good a few months ago now looks like a ship wreck about to happen.

Loneliness often rises to the forefront. Even if you are married and your non-working spouse is home most of the time with you, feelings of isolation from what is going on "out there" build. You have no idea how you are going to fill all the time each day. If you are single, widowed, or your spouse continues to work, that void can be even stronger.

The benefits you took for granted while working are either gone, or curtailed. Medical coverage usually suffers. Paid vacations? No more. Pension contributions? No way. Gaining weight and losing physical and mental sharpness? Very possible.

What you must keep in mind is that, this too shall pass. If you suffer a bout of moderate to severe depression that lasts for more than a month, I urge you to seek professional help. Doctors can help you get control of these serious side effects of not working. But, if you have thoughts about any of the question above and are not clinically depressed, breathe easier. Stage Three will definitely follow.

The Third Stage of Retirement is when many of us find our stride. Retirement becomes the most satisfying. We have weathered the storms (real or imagined) in Stage Two, and found out we can survive and even prosper in our new reality. This is when you can achieve a healthy balance between euphoria, panic, and reality. It is when you realize that you have the ability to make it all work for you. A happy, satisfying lifestyle is very possible.

This isn't a period of Pollyanna thinking. It is a time when you can more calmly look at your current position, your options, and your dreamed-about future and decide what you can accomplish. It is a time of possible personal growth and development like you haven't experienced since you were in your 20's. Emotional and intellectual  opportunities abound. Time really is your ally, again.

Personally, in Stage Three I thought my wife and I would take a long cruise at least once a year, spend the hot Arizona summers someplace else, like Hawaii, travel a lot, and live it up. After all, hadn't we earned it?

Some of those things happened, but not in the way I dreamed, We retired before our financial resources were sufficient to turn those dreams into fact. But, that was a deliberate choice on our part. To continue working would not be worth the cost to our relationship or our health just so we could make those "dreams" happen. 

Also, we discovered the absolute joy of spending much more time with family and friends and deepening our spiritual journey. We had always built our married life on experiences over things and that wasn't about to change. We have never been consumption-driven and that wasn't going to change, even with an empty nest.

Did I go through the anguish of Stage Two? Absolutely, and still do every once in awhile. But, I have developed the insight of what was really important to me and my family so I can do more than weather the storm, I can embrace the changes that lie ahead.

The Power of Thirds is very real.


Note: Wondering how my day of silence went? Look for the follow up post on January 9th.

Well, This Should Be Interesting

The grandkids were here for New Year's Eve and left yesterday morning. The straightening is over, last year's files and receipts have been packed away. 2020 is beginning in a way I have never attempted before. Today should be a unique experience for me, a different way of starting a new year.

January 2, 2020, will be a day of silence. Yep: no talking, no cell phones, no TV, no music, no conversations with my wife of 43 years (who is participating as well). It is OK to ask the dog to go outside, but otherwise, mum's the word.

Reading is permitted, if it is something that feeds my mind, like a book on meditation or prayer or spiritual examination. But, murder mysteries, political intrigue? No, not today. Texting? Out. Time spent on the computer? Nope (my response to any comments you leave will happen starting Friday...and I wrote this post a few weeks ago).

The obvious question: Why? What do I hope to accomplish? I'm not really sure. Several articles about mindfulness retreats and the power of silent contemplation have caught my eye over the last month. It was a hectic last few months of 2019. I want to start fresh in any way I can, using any path available to me.

I am not interested in paying to go to a yoga center in southern Arizona. What I am interested in how I would respond to enforced silence...a day that only is filled by my thoughts, my ideas, exposure to nature during some walks and quiet periods. Something like that chair across a quiet stream would be perfect.

It will be interesting to see where my mind goes, what thoughts fill the gaps normally taken up with electronic or written stimulation. Will I get really, really bored and antsy? Will I be unable to sit still for long periods, just letting my thoughts wander where they will?

Or, will I discover that enforced silence is calming, restorative, and energizing? Will fresh ideas flow for my life, this blog, my future? With the focus on what is in my mind and in the natural world, where will my thoughts go? Author Sarah Monk, says, "Psychological benefits of silence can include enhanced creativity, focus, self control, self awareness, perspective and spirituality."

Will I awake January 3rd bursting to resume talking, communicating and reattaching to the verbal world? Or, will I find a day of detachment has been wonderfully different.

I promise to let you know. But, for now........