January 3, 2011

Retirement and Sex

Got you to read, didn't I. Sex always grabs attention, especially the concept of retirement and sex. Of course, with a blog title of satisfying retirement you might imagine there is a connection. Well, sorry to disappoint, but this post will not be about what happens between the sheets, though I hope you are happy in that regard.

One of the major stumbling blocks to a successful retirement is how the two sexes react to not working. Previous posts have dealt with some of the adjustments that both partners must make when one or both retire from daily employment. This time around I'd like to focus a bit closer on how men and women differ when each moves toward retirement or officially leaves the working world behind.

Retirement and men:

Various study show that men tend to be overconfident about their investing and retirement planning skills. This helps explain why so many enter the last decade of work with nothing close to what will be needed. In this country the average person within 20 years of a typical retirement age has a only $50,000 in retirement savings. For those in their late 50's and early 60's the average is not much better: $80,000. What are we thinking? There is no retirement tooth fairy that is about to leave hundreds of thousands of dollars under our pillow.  While these figures are not for men only, the investor and saver in the majority of couple or family situations is the male, so he must bear the most responsibility for this problem facing financial reality.

In additional to financial issues, for many men in our culture identity revolves around a number of commonly accepted central roles and skills:

•being a good provider for his family
•being 'useful' to society in general
•being in charge of situations

I might argue that these are more stereotypes than reality in the second decade of the 21st century. But, most men probably believe these three statements are true. That belief, whether based in reality or not, creates problems. In order to adjust successfully to retirement, men have to start redefining the bases of their sense of self. Without the role of breadwinner or leader to rely on, one may ask, who am I? Self-esteem can start to fall and depression can set in.

If prior to retirement your partner stayed at home while you worked, she may resent your intrusion into her areas of control. This is especially true if, in an attempt to direct your urge to do something, you attempt to impose yourself on her well-established routines. Tension can arise out of the increased need for joint decision-making.

Loneliness and isolation are a risk in old age for the simple reason that as people grow older, more and more of their friends tend to die, move away, or lose the mobility needed to keep in touch. This is particularly an issue for men, who tend to emphasize self-reliance and put less effort into maintaining their social networks. Most men have few friends, and often not a single close friend in whom they can confide.

Retirement and women:

Contrary to what some may assume, research indicates women overall bring less emotion to the stock market than men and approach investing more dispassionately. This can make a big difference in the size of one's investment and savings situation. Mistakes are admitted and a women moves on. Men are more likely to hold onto a losing investment longer in hopes it will turn around, thus avoiding having to admit making a mistake in the first place.

This is an important consideration because women, on average, outlive men by about six years. This means women will require extra money for their retirement. According to some studies most baby boomer women who are approaching their retirement age are expected to live well into their nineties. This says that women will have to prepare for emotional and financial security during a retirement that could last more than thirty years.

Another factor typically faced by many women is they spent less time in the work force. On average, men have 44 years of work while women average 32 years. Why? It is the female who usually takes a break from her career to have and then take care of children, and sometimes even to become a full time caregiver for aging parents, both hers and his.

Interruptions in the working life of women have important financial consequences. When women stop working Social Security contributions cease.  Obviously, that means reduced benefits later on.

Women have one major advantage over men during their prime years: diversity. Many women juggle both a job and a household. This situation teaches women to be able to handle a wide range of problems and tasks simultaneously, skills which come in handy during retirement.

A fascinating finding I discovered while preparing this article came from a study conducted at a university in Australia. The researchers looked at the concept of a retirement letdown. This is the period I have referred to as the second stage of retirement. The initial honeymoon period has worn off and the stark reality of not working becomes a major factor. Stress, worry, feeling unfulfilled, and extra strains on a relationship begin to occur.

Men tended to experience this retirement letdown after six months. Women, on the other hand, didn't experience similar problems until five years after retirement. Unfortunately, the study didn't answer the obvious question: why is there such a difference between the sexes in going through this down period?

I could speculate that it comes from points made earlier in this post. Men have so much of their identity wrapped up in their jobs, are so focused on just a handful of things, and have a weaker social support system that the end of work creates a much bigger problem for guys. Interestingly, if this study is repeated in another 5 or 10 years I wonder if the results would be the same. The increased role of women in the business world and the evolution of more shared responsibilities at home might push women closer to the man's timetable of six months before the letdown.

All of this proves a point made may times in Satisfying Retirement: this journey we are on is not easy. Hard work, planning, compromise, sensitivity to others, and personal growth are not just nice attributes to possess: they are requirements. Add to that the differences between men and women and it is a pleasant surprise how many of us are enjoying the ride!

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  1. And I thought you were going to boost viagra, I think men have more trouble creating meaning in retirement because their homes are places of refuge and generally they don't have much investment in its operation. It isn't important (in the sense of being in charge). They have to make a new role in the houshold and face it, most men are not very flexible. Women in my experience are much better at coping.

  2. I know several wives whose husbands are now at home more. They would agree completely that men aren't terribly flexible in adapting to the household routine. But, we keep trying!

  3. My mom took care of raising we kids and dad brought in the money to pay the bills. With his retirement some years back, he was suddenly thrown into her world. Had it not been for their many interests - both together and separate - it would have been a challenge. And being sensitive to each others time and space helps as well.

  4. Hi Dave,

    Sensitivity to each other's interests, time,and space is a good word. Having shared interests is also important. It sounds as though your parents handled it well.

  5. The Hunny retired a number of years ago. He spent one year re-doing the house. He re-arranged the kitchen, put in new sinks and cabinets in the kitchen and baths and wood flooring instead of carpet. Then he went back to work when I had to quit because of my health and worked till last May. He didn't want to quit but the job ended. We found that we aren't set for retirement. We don't have enough to pay the Yearly bills. We looked good monthly but when you add the once a year bills we don't have enough. It was a shock and we are now trying to find jobs. Thankfully no matter what we know the Lord will take care of us. We have seen it in our younger years and we know it will happen now in our old age.

  6. I am tired just reading about your hubby's very busy year working on your home. Those skills are ones I would love to have. I wish you both luck in the job search. Maybe he can do handyman or remodeling work. It certainly sounds like he is comfortable in that environment.

    Your faith in the Lord will be a tremendous source of strength and allow you to handle whatever may come.

  7. What if my whole life has been wrong? Story of Ivan Ilish...by leo Tolstoy.
    I have too much time to think and the thoughts are negative.....I have to keep telling myself that thses aren't true....becaue these aren't.
    Education is important in retirement.....let go and let God is also.


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